homesickness

There is a tightness in my chest today that makes it feel like I will do nothing right. I have missed my bus and had to pay a lot of money for the taxi here. I had planned to start my week well, I haven’t. My apartment is dirty and my mind is messy. I feel on the brink of crying as I write this. I don’t know how honest I should be with my reading list, with you. I don’t know what people don’t want to know. I’ve never been good at knowing this, I mostly pretend it’s not important. I thought if I got back into my good habits the good feelings would follow. So I opened up this email and started writing. I still don’t know if I’ll click send.

Anyway. Homesickness is:
Feeling like you’re in the wrong place, at the wrong moment. Feeling like you’re going against the current of your fate.
It’s loneliness.
It’s the weird idea that physical distance constitutes much more than just physical distance.
Reaching out to people and feeling like you can’t feel them, or they can’t feel you.
Knowing with certainty that the only light you’ll find is waiting for you at home.

I don’t really know what homesickness is. That’s just what I’m feeling. I don’t even want to google it. I don’t want to have google tell me that homesickness is less severe or more severe than what I’m feeling. I don’t want to open my mind up to the idea that this is possibly more than homesickness. Maybe it’s... the awful darkness that has consumed me before. No. I don’t think it’s that. Better stay away from google, just in case.

Better spend my time lying in bed and watching Breaking Bad, The Mentalist, Supernatural. Focus on things that I can feel.

Anger that the crap series I watch all have male leads.
Anger at that I haven’t washed my dishes, none of my dishes are clean. Yesterday I drank milk out of the screw on cup thing that came with my blender. It was the last of my milk. This morning I was miserable about having to drink black coffee.
Misery. I guess I can feel misery.
Annoyance that misery comes so easily.
Sadness that Joy doesn’t come as easily as it used to.

Hey, at least I’m feeling stuff. Highs and lows right? Sometimes dark corners. Sometimes sadness. This is ok. Sadness is ok sometimes.

Maybe Homesickness is unfortunate idea that you don’t have to be sad if you’re at home. A problem that’s only really a problem when a far off ‘home’ is an option. When ‘home’ is a place other than where you lay your hat. Maybe I didn’t really have homesickness for the first year and 8 months cause I didn’t really allow myself the option of coming home. I came to Korea to pay off my debt. Now that I’ve done that. All of a sudden I don’t have to be here and so in my mind, ‘home’ shifted back to Cape Town. Maybe I’m just bored of Kimchi and children.

Anyway. I haven’t really been in the mood for writing. As you can see, all that comes out I this sludge. The gross stuff at the bottom of my mind. I don’t mind sharing it. I just don’t know if you mind receiving it.

It’s getting warmer. Less layers. No gloves. I’m not sick anymore. I was sick for the last two weeks.

I’ve got a roof over my head, food in my fridge, a job to keep me busy and people to love. I don’t really need anything, but i’d like to feel the sun on my face. The midday South African sun. Hot and gentle and harsh and yellow.

60 days. I’ll be home in 60 days.
I love you all